Utterly broken

I'm sitting here shaking in tears.


I feel like Peter in the boat speaking to Jesus.  "Depart from me, I am a sinful man."


My mediation today has been from Romans 1&2.


Paul says that no one has an excuse.  God has given us every opportunity to turn to him, but some have turned away giving themselves up to a depraved mind.  


It's easy for the Christian to understand chapter 1, we stand on it every time we make a judgement. 


BUT


God saw fit to remind the Christian in Romans 2:1-3 ending with a severe warning in vs 4.  


As I read and re-read and meditated on verses 18 through 32 of Romans 1 I realized a few things about myself in a way that I never have before


I'll admit that I don't like confrontation so I may not be completely forth right about things - skirt issues that I know will cause problems (deceit).  I want things that others have (covetousness, envy).  I am proud (haughty) will let you know it (insolent and boastful).  Joke too much on the wrong things (foolish).  Devise plans (faithless).


God through Paul says that I am just like the homosexual.


Romans 2:3 (ESV) Do you suppose, O man--you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself--that you will escape the judgment of God?


Who is the "you"?
According to the introduction Paul is speaking to "all those in Rome who are loved by God and called to be saints" (vs 7) -- the church in Rome - known as the Gentile church.


It was unreal to me as I worked my way through it, but I felt the presence of God the entire time as he pealed back layers in my heart to reveal my condition and held my hand pointing me to the one that won the victory over that sin.


I was a dark place to go, but the light of the world was their with me.  I could not have gone through it 30-some years ago when I said a prayer, my eye sight and hearing were not ready.    It took me a long time to be able to desire that I apply God's word to my own life instead of applying it to situations and folks around me.

My relationship to God is one that is because of Jesus' sacrifice, cultivated and secured by the work of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 8:1 clearly states that because of Jesus there is no condemnation   Thank you, Jesus.


This place where God took me is definitely hard to put into words, but I wish that everyone reading it could experience that type of purity and openness before God.  It is truly humiliating. 


Father, keep me ever humble before you.  Amen.

Application

Sometimes, in life, I have to question myself.
Am I doing what I proclaim?  Practicing what I preach?  Am I pleasing my LORD?  Am I showing his love toward all - no matter what?


I have a tendency to lean toward a critical spirit.  It is problematic for me - duplicity really and I don't like it at all.  


I look at other Christians and wonder are they for real?  Do they read the same word I do?  Do they know the same Jesus?  


Early in my growing years as a Christ follower, I received and read a lot of scripture.  It was mainly received for information.  I can pretty much give you a jet tour of the whole bible and could within a year of following Jesus.  


There was one thing that was missing or maybe better stated: the one thing I feel that was missing in my scripture time was application.  


What good is knowledge without wisdom?  Just having knowledge gives pride; pride puffs up.  Pride is the exact opposite of humility.  Wisdom leads to a path of humility.


During the late 80's and early 90s, religious marketers effectively took a line from the book "In His Steps" by Charles Shelton:  'What Would Jesus Do?'  I like that and I still use it (even though I don't have the bracelet any longer), but I can only use it as much as I know about Jesus and about how he acted and reacted.


I read God's word daily and meditate, but is it enough?  For me, NO.  I have to ask, actually beg, God use your word to change my heart.  


Father, Change me to look like you son so that you may be glorified.  Use your word in my life to cleanse me, my heart, my mind and soul.  I want to be a vessel that honors you, one that you can use to build your kingdom.  Take control of my life so that I cast off judgement of others and am free to love like you love.


Let me know if you pray that way as well.  Can I pray with you?